I didn’t actually think that I’d go this far down south with everything. This is just me trying to process all that’s happening to me. The aim is to try to see things with more focus. That being said, here it is.
Catastrophic System Failure
I’ve been meaning to update my blog about what’s going on with the plan. I’ve made two drafts but have never published it because I still couldn’t wrap myself around what I should do or say or write, for that matter. From the last few posts I’ve shared, I have made mention of a plan to fix everything and set my course straight. Its potential was so great that it could have rectified any lapses in life that my poor thesis caused me. I’ve also made mention of a great risk that is involved with the plan.
Alas, here I am: in unnoticed ruins. Everything went south since I left my steady-paying job. Numerous contractor-client delays were mostly to blame. My hastiness is also to be held liable. In the heat of the moment of pulling off my greatest paycheck as a freelancer, I skimped on the terms of the contract. Without any safeguards, I was dead in the water. There were so much client delays that I had failed to pay for rent and utilities which furthered my debts. It had put me in a very bad spot.
Right now, I’m jobless with more debts even after collecting a meager partial of a paycheck. The safety nets that were supposed to get me down safely from the jump were substandard and were too close to the ground. I hit height 0 at terminal velocity. For a few days, I had experienced absolute poverty. This I mean with no exaggeration.
An Aftermath of a Fallout
As with every failure I commit, I regress into an escapist persona; much like a drunkard trying to drown away his memories of a bad life and waiting for it all to end. I turn to one thing I’m sure I can win at: games. I play countless hours of challenges just so that I could feel good about myself. I’ve even gone to binge watching.
The numerous job postings I’ve tried applying for didn’t help either. Each one that doesn’t reply back is a tougher pill to swallow. I’m caught with thoughts that would either tell me that I am too good or too bad for the job that I just couldn’t get it.
Much due to the downward spiral, I have not entertained the other project that I had on my slate. I’m fairly far from clearing it and now that it’s February. I’ve even overshot my own deadline.
I’d better man up and do it right before it all goes so far down that no matter what I do I would never be able to clean it up.
No Roadmap to Life
I actually have no idea what I want to become now. I was always raised to be anything that I wanted to. I was as well rounded as I possibly can. I always aimed to repair areas in which I know I am not particularly good at.
There aren’t a lot of openings in any of the careers I wish and for every one of me there are 11 more for a dime. It’s hard to stand out when all I’ve been doing in my life was to be the guy behind the scenes making things just work.
Onward to Another Storm
While it gave me so much joy to do a soft launch of my new website, my apparent lack of focus made it extremely tedious to keep a constant update on articles to write for it. It is, however, something I would like to keep doing. I’ve put so much time on it in a day that I am sure enough to say that it is something that I like doing. Maybe someday it would be bigger. Maybe someday it would save me.
I am due to move out soon. I am off to find a more efficient way of living, given my current conundrums. If it’s any consolation at all, I’m moving to one of the cities I’d actually want to live in. The downside is that I really need a job. Soon enough, I’d be running out of options and just take whatever comes my way. I wouldn’t want it to be so. For all the great things I’ve at least attempted and for the ones that I did accomplish, I think I deserve just a bit more.
Will I be doomed to be someone’s cog?
(I am working late at night in a 24-hour pharmacy. There are only three customers in the store:
a scruffy but clean young couple and another gentleman. The woman in the young couple is very heavily pregnant, and her partner is picking up the range of baby hats we carry and holding them up against her stomach, then looking at the prices and sadly putting them back. They pick up a packet of the cheapest pain medication we carry and bring it to the counter.)
“I’m sorry, but can you please ask the pharmacist if these are safe for me to take?”
(While we’re waiting for the pharmacist to come out, they tell me they’re expecting their daughter any day now. The pharmacist has been watching the young couple since they came in.)
“These are fine, but can I ask why you need them?”
“Oh, I have a horrible cough that’s making my back ache even worse. I can’t get to sleep.”
(The pharmacist goes through a list of cough medicines safe for her to take, before the young man shakes his head with tears in his eyes.)
“I’m sorry, I’ve just lost my job and we really can’t afford any of those. Sorry for wasting your time.”
“That’s okay, but this packet is damaged, and legally I can’t let you take it. Seeing as it was the last one, let me and [my name] go look in the back for some more.”
(The pharmacist takes me out the back, where he puts three packets of name brand painkillers, four bottles of name brand cough syrup, a wheat bag for her back, a tin of formula, a packet of newborn nappies and a few of the hats the couple was looking at into a box. He hands me the box and tells me to take it out to them. I do and they both burst into tears, thanking us over and over again. They leave with huge smiles on their faces.)
“Thank you again!”
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t help but over hear. Did you say you just lost your job at [local company]?”
“Yes, I was an IT tech.”
“I own [other computer store in the area], and I’m looking for a new tech. Can you start tomorrow?”
(There were tears all round that night. A week later, the young woman brought in her beautiful daughter and a giant batch of cupcakes for the pharmacy staff. Best night at work ever!)
It’s somewhat a bittersweet freedom that I’ve gained. On one hand, I’m just in the comforts of my room living by the day whichever way I choose. On the other hand, cash on hand is getting used up a little too fast and if I don’t work out my projects soon enough, it’ll be the end of me.
Like Sippin’ Coconuts By The Beach
I’ve pretty much spent my days barely getting out of my room to grab some much needed sunlight. I’ve retreated to my man-cave and have been convincing myself that I need to catch up on sleep I’ve lost. In that light, I’ve been just in my room playing games most of the time and eating burritos and whatnot.
It was like I was on a short-lived vacation. All I do was eat, sleep, and play. It was great! I get to choose what I do and no one looks over my shoulder and tells me that I’m stalling. I was kicking back and mixing my own mocktails.
Catching Up on Personal Stuff
This is the second time I’ve written on my blog since the day I left work. I’m not saying I’ve been growing as a person just yet. I’ve only been able to regain some of my old cherished habits of being a curious kid. I’m slowly trying to get back into writing. I’ve also began training again. It was such a great bonus when my old training buddies were also there last time.
I still haven’t gotten back to running, but just to be on the safe side I need to check with an ECG and a cardio specialist. I’ve known for a long while now that there’s something off about my heart, and if left unchecked could lead to something a little too serious.
I’d like to get back on some of my personal projects again soon. I’ve put them on the backburner for so long that the original plots for most of them have probably devolved from what they originally were.
Still, the time I got back is much appreciated. It’s been great.
The well of resources that is my last paycheck is already drying up. Way too soon, if I may add. This current project I have is supposed to be done by mid October. Hopefully by then it gets cashed out too.
My other on-going project is starting to get a little bit tedious with what is expected of me. Over time it might get to be toxic too. I’m also getting the vibe that the client wants to terminate the project soon. I trust the client, they wouldn’t leave me in a bad position. As will I. I just have to keep it up for a little while until I’ve regained stability.
The first safety net is deploying. To those who’ve not read my previous entry, it’s my way of saying that the project is supposed to handle my downward cashflow from my resignation. The first project is already under way and we’ve made a fair agreement for what it is for the time being. While it’s not cashed out, it’s still in the status of “Deploying”. It’s up and out, but it won’t be able to catch me just yet.
The second safety net, however, is not yet set. It’s not even “deploying”. Source hasn’t replied as of the time of posting. This one is the BIG net. Not only is it meant to keep me from falling, but also springboard me onto a really good safety margin. It is still in the dark. I do not know if it will come out this month or the next. Hopefully and preferably not the latter.
I’m starting to steer the free-fall to get me to the nets. It’s time to be hands-on.
My name is Lou, and I’m running out of coconuts.
I’ve lost track of what week I’m on and what day it is since the first post so I’m just gonna mark them like small chapters in my life. My name is Lou and I just “Jumped”.
"Out of the Frying Pan and Into The Fire"
I’ve recently just told my boss that I would resign from work effective on the first day of October. That’s next Tuesday. I’ve grown increasingly unwilling to lock my time in the company since I have other concerns and needs to take care of. The workload was still the same in the studio, but due to recent developments in my private life / practice, I’ve had to carefully balance time in the studio and time for everything else. I’ve become really sloppy with it that the studio is counting on me, as I would see it, as an temporally unreliable asset. I’ve been showing up in the studio early and late and event unexpectedly absent from time to time way too often. I thought that it’d be wiser just to count me out entirely.
The good thing about this move is that they don’t have to worry about me coming in and going as I pleased. They won’t have to worry about a guy that may or may not be around the next day. As for me, I have more free time to tend to my external affairs. I have more time for myself too. I could hone my skills without the constraints of time and energy that was otherwise utilized by the projects that the studio was working for. I would see it as a win-win for both sides, I guess. Since my contributions there are almost negligible. I don’t think that they’d even care to notice that I’m gone.
On the rough side of things, I’m going to be unemployed for a while. A fact that the landlady is worried about. I left my job so that I can tend to two projects that were also coming my way that I cannot simply turn down. If they pull through, I can put my life in the direction I wanted it to go, or at least start at it.
That being said, I’m in a transitional phase right now and it may even entail major bills unpaid and maybe a few days without food.
The plan was to get more time to deal with larger contracts that were inbound. It was a more financially viable option to pursue in that it outweighs my current earnings / man hour by a lot.Call me greedy, but I’ve got needs to tend to.
With what I was anticipating to receive, I would have had enough to start on a venture that I’ve been trying to get into but simply don’t have the right financials to support it. It would have been quite a positive transition if I could bend the path toward that direction.
When I took the “jump” by telling my boss that I would be leaving, I was counting on two projects to be my safety nets as I fall. Part-way through the jump, I get news that one of my “safety nets” was compromised. There’s no stopping mid-jump. I would have to hit the net, compromised or not. The second net hasn’t been properly cemented in either. Many would agree that it was a quite risky move. I admit that I had counted my hens before they hatched, but again, there’s no stopping mid-jump. I’ll either land or crash.
Foolhardily risky, I’m in a fall where there’s no parachute. It’s all just safety nets. I have to admit, I am fairly nervous about it. It seems to be more like a “jump now, think later” kind of reaction. I may have jumped too soon.
Also, I haven’t told my parents yet. They might even find out if my mother took time to read through this post. What with the new expenses coming in and all. I couldn’t muster up what guts I have left to tell them I’m jumping.
While I may sit idle and wait for the dust to settle down, as I whine on and on about the repercussions of my own doing, I am still looking forward to the plan’s fruition. It’s unclear now, for it has only just begun, and in a month’s time. We’ll know if I crash or land.
My name is Lou, and I just jumped.